Thoughts on Being Inside (2021)

Thoughts on Being Inside (2021) is a collection of nine poems written from 4th Jan 2021 to 4th May 2021, documenting the changes in the artist’s mental health and spiritual health during the progress of the COVID-19 pandemic. Each poem was inspired by diary entries that were written in the time frame, and each video was made every two weeks, within variation. This depended on the amount of change in mental attitudes or memorable moments that I thought were worth documenting.

The videos used in each poem were filmed as they were written, using only footage I had captured within the two weeks, reflecting my relationship with the domestic as the videos change from being inside to outside. The videos consist of thousands of frames, each frame a fragment of the moment captured, mimicking real time but each memory is fading away just as the viewer watches. The viewer then in turn is chasing this feeling captured in the video but can never experience it fully because of the separation. For this project, I was heavily inspired by Japanese haiga paintings, the relationship the poems have with the illustrations. Their aesthetic of simplified colours inspired the use of offset in the video.

The videos having this greyness also reflects the emotions and the notion of memory fading as time passes. The combination of spoken word, handheld video and poetry, the viewer is invited deeper into the artist’s headspace, an intimate experience highlighting the human experience.

Inkjet prints, 168mmx250mm, cartridge paper and tracing paper

Snow

I want to be able to drive over to your house and go for a walk with you but I can’t
now. Not only is there a lockdown from permitting me some normality, but now I am
stuck inside, not wanting to go out into the cold. I never thought I would have stayed
this long at home. I don’t have many extra warm clothes prepared for this weather.
The snow doesn’t seem to be stopping either. I haven’t seen you for 2 weeks now and
it makes me very sad. Soon I will go back to Leeds and I will be without you for much
longer, but I don’t want to think about it.
The snow is so beautiful but I want it to melt. The novelty of it all has worn off now.

See You

Whenever Josh and I see each other now, whether it be on a call or for a walk, we
always say ‘see you soon’ instead of goodbye when we leave. It was a simple gesture
at first, but it has really effected the way I think about the word Goodbye. I used to
hate the idea of saying goodbye as I have had one too many final goodbyes in my
life. Saying ‘See you soon’ gives me the extra affirmation that I will see them again,
and they want to see me again. With the announcement of the new Lockdown on the
4th Jan, I will try to remember to keep saying that I will see them soon, its a small
thing but it has effected me so much, I hope it can come as a comfort to others as
well.

Light At Home

I want to feel comforted at home, instead of home being like a fortress. I want to be
able to visit you, and have our own warm yellow to come back to. I’ve noticed that
through all of this, the pandemic, social distancing and lockdowns that my emotions
are either in full swing or I am completely out of it.
I miss being able to go to Church and worship with the community. I feel so
surrounded by darkness, I feel like it is hard to see the light at the end of this
lockdown. Is there any hope left? I keep doing nothing, but I am filled with the guilt
of not working. When can I have a healthy Sabbath?

Dissociation

There is too much going on, and so little going on. There are massive political
changes happening in the world. Through this amazing thing called the internet.
I am sat here in front of many screens every day for over 7 hours. It used to be so
much less. I used to spend only 4 hours on my phone/laptop. So much has changed
now. Everything revolves around my screen. Too many things to keep up with, but I
am addicted to the dopamine rush of social media, keep showing me pretty images
and completely drain my own battery. I don’t help myself because I just want to
stay inside all the time. I don’t want to go outside, going outside means that I
won’t be working. And if I am not working, then I’m failing.
Before all of the corona shit happened, I was doing so well, I had found friends
I could trust, I was doing well at school, I was producing work and getting into
exhibitions. But then all this shit happened and now I am depressed again, using
social media too much, not going outside, aren’t you tired of being sad all the
time? Trying to think of ideas but being so depressed you physically cannot think.

Bed Dysphoria

Spending two months sleeping with my siblings has made coming to Leeds a bit of
a culture shock. Sometimes I wake up and I think that I am at home, sometimes I
wake up and I think Josh is sleeping with me. This is the hardest for me because I
wake up and realise how alone I am.
Both beds are mine but the different location makes a very strange sensationthinking you’re in one place but really you’re in the other. I wake up in two places at
once, home and home. A dysmorphia, a quick confusion but it leaves a big impact on
my morning.

Being Fine

Through the constant searching for things to write about, I feel like I come up with
nothing interesting. Some days I wake up feeling completely lethargic which in turn
makes me demotivated and worthless. But most of the time, I can solve this problem
by taking some vitamins. I do not know whether this is a placebo effect or not, but I
am happy for it to continue working for me.
Perhaps another way of looking at it is that I am repressing all the things I am
stressed about, like moving to a new house, staying here or all the possibilities that
could arise after the contract is up with this house or not. I fear the potential thing
of living with new people, but I have a gut feeling that this will not happen. I still
feel bad about saying I will not move in with my boyfriend, but this is entirely for
financial reasons, not incompatibility.
But every day is the same, weeks go by so fast and people how I am, and I am simply
fine. I am not excited, or happy about anything. I have a moment of happiness when
I watch a funny video or look at memes, but these are all empty moments. I have
not had anything crazy fulfilling as of late. Yet in the same way, I am not depressed
either. I am in the middle, although it feels like I am an empty case, carrying around
my consciousness

Still Cold

I feel like I am supposed to have hope now that the trees are blossoming, and the
sun has decided it does exist. It’s been a whole month since I have seen my boyfriend
now. I want to say that it has been easier but it really hasn’t. I have been seeing my
friends within the boundaries of the law but I want to see Josh again. I re-decorated
my room, I installed brighter lights thinking that I had Seasonal Affective Disorder
but the more I think about it I realise that I have always been depressed since my
teenage years, perhaps even my childhood but I am not sure. I am happy that the
sky is now blue instead of grey. But I am a little scared of going back to work. I like
the people I work with, but there was one time where I was completely overwhelmed
and by myself in the café. Ever since that moment of complete stress I have had
panic attacks about going to work they seem to happen the night before I work and
are always worse if I am working in the morning. I can never sleep properly. I hope
I can train myself to get over this feeling because I do genuinely like working at the
café, my boss is supportive and lets us put our artwork in the shop. The world is
slowly turning back to normality now, which means everything will go back to being
extremely fast paced and stressful. I guess it will be worth it in the end. All I want
to do is see Josh now, I miss the physical touch of my lover. It almost feels like a
breakup.

Patience

I found that even though I do not have the slightest bit of motivation, I need to have
discipline. Having discipline will help me to be motivated. When I was running in the
summer, I had discipline. I ran because I created a rule for myself. Like my granddad
says, ‘everything in moderation’. Whenever I write poems, I find out how quickly
these weeks go by. Time is fleeting. In a way it is comforting to know that things are
progressing because I want things to go back to the way they were. The thought of
hugging someone else seems so luxurious. Just even that freedom is enough.

Making It

I can’t believe I’m at the end of this. The amounts of times I thought about ending it
all, not feeling any sorts of hope in my future. Some points I would even think, ‘even
if I did get the chance to do art every day for the rest of my life, what would I do?
Would I be happy?’ I would get into very deep existential crises. The thought of just
doing the same thing for the rest of my life began to drag and I was just starting to
feel awful all the time. Now, I have that feeling of completing a game to it’s fullest,
but it is not a bad feeling. I am content with where I am, and some level of positivity
is coming back into my mindset. Its very refreshing to feel this way again, like I had
not been myself all this time. I had such a low point in my faith and where I was in
my life, but now I have taken discipline into my life, I am starting to feel like myself.
I am reading my Bible and I am occupying myself and trying to not entertain dark
thoughts. I reached out for help; I was open with how I felt. I am sure that this
feeling will not last, and there will be dark times again, but I need to remind myself
that I can pull through.